Hari ini entah kenapa mental gw ngedrop bgt. Semua yang tadinya disambut suka cita – malah berubah, berbalik jadi sesuatu yang gw rasa sangat menyakitkan. Sebenernya dah 2 minggu ini berasanya. Beraaaaat bgt rasanya..

Rasanya gw malu untuk mengeluh, karena ini sudah pilihan hidup gw.

Otto sibuk 2 hari ini, gw g brani ganggu.. Neneng satu-satunya yang bisa jadi sasaran empuk buat dicurhatin, tapi kasian si neneng hari ini mau shooting.. Hufffffffff!.. berat bgt lg down gini g tau mau curhat sama siapa.

Allah denger tangisan gw yang gw tutup dengan senyum busuk gw..

Alhamdulillah seseorang yang sangat gw sayang, entah kenapa mungkin berfirasat dan kesambung batin – gw yakin, dialah IBUNDAKU.. ibu nelpon gw.. tumpahlah semua air mata yang selama ini gw pendam.. tumpahlah semua ketakutan gw yang gw sangkarin selama ini..  Alhamdulillah, walau masalah belum selesai tapi tenaaang bgt rasanya. Walo masih ingin terus nangis, walo masih dibayangi ketakutan berlebih, tapi gw tenang karena gw yakin ibu ada untuk dukung gw, untuk kasih kekuatan dengan kata-kata bijak dan pastinya doa-nya yang paling mujarab sedunia itu..

Ya jujur gw sedih, karena gw takut jadi orang yang mengecewakan.. jujur, gw terlalu jauh mengukur kemampuan gw, yang ternyata keinginan gw nggak sebanding dengan mental gw yang lemah.

Selama ini gw selalu menuntut kebebasan yang absolut, tapi ternyata gw belum sanggup.

Selama ini gw menuntut untuk dianggap dewasa, tapi ternyata menjadi dewasa pun butuh mentor yang bijak.

Selama ini gw merasa kaki gw sangat kuat untuk menopang tubuh gw untuk berjalan sendiri, tapi ternyata selama ini gw terlalu angkuh sampai-sampai gw lupa dengan orang sekeliling gw.

Ya sudahlah, untuk kesalahan gw yang kesekian kali ini.. Gw harap kedepanya gw akan lebih baik.. terima kasih ibunda karena udah membuat gw menakkan hati keras yang haus akan eksistensi, dan ketamakan akan hal-hal berbau egois.. Semoga gw bisa menumbuhkan keberanian dalam diri gw.. huff! help me God.. and thanking You for giving me such a great, loving and caring mother like her..

i love you, mother.. and this is for you, from the bottom of my heart..

When I’m lost in the rain

In your eyes I know I’ll find the light

To light my way

When I’m scared, losing ground

When my world is going crazy

You can turn it all around, yes

And when I’m down

You’re there pushing me to the top

You’re always there giving me all you’ve got

For a shield from the storm

For a friend,

For a love to keep me safe and warm

I turn to you

For the strength to be strong

For the will to carry on

For everything you do

For everything that’s true,

I turn to you

When I lose the will to win,

I just reach for you

And I can reach the sky again

I can do anything,

‘Cause your love is so amazing

‘Cause your love inspires me

And when I need a friend

You’re there always on my side

Giving me faith,

Taking me through the night, yeah

For a shield from the storm

For a friend,

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on

For everything you do,

I turn to you,

Oh, yeah, oh

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain

For truth that will never change

For someone to lean on

For a heart I can rely on through anything

For the one who I can run to

Oh, oh, I

Turn to you

Oh, oh, yea

To keep me safe and warm, yeah, yeah

I turn to you

For the strength,

For the will to carry on, oh, oh

For everything you do,

For everything that’s true,

For everything you do, oh, oh, oh

For everything that’s true,

I turn to you

I turn to you - christina aguilera

thank you buat otto-ku, neneng dan odiq buat pencucuran mewekan gw hari ini…

Everybody tells me,
That it’s so hard to make it,
Yet so hard to break it,
And there’s no way to fake it,
Everybody tells me that it’s wrong what I’m feeling,
I shouldn’t believe in,
The dreams that I’m dreaming,

I hear it everyday,
I hear it all the time,
I’m never gunna amount to much,
But they’re never gunna change my mind.
Oh!

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know.

How many inches in a mile,
What it takes to make you smile.
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby.

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know.

Tell me, tell me something I don’t know,
Tell me, tell me something I don’t know.

Everybody tells me I don’t know what I’m doing,
This life I’m pursuing,
The odds of me loosing.

Everybody tells me that it’s one in a million,
More like one in a billion,
Or one in a zillion.

I hear it everyday,
I hear it all the time,
I’m never gunna amount to much,
But they’re never gunna change my mind.
Oh!

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know.

How many inches in a mile,
What it takes to make you smile,
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby.

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,

[RAP]

Are you ready for it?
Yeah I’m ready for it.
Really ready for it?
Yeah I’m ready for it.
Let’s get ready for this.

I’m on my way,
I know I’m gonna get there someday,
It doesn’t help when you say,
It won’t be easy.

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Tell me, tell me, tell me,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know,
Something I don’t know.

How many inches in a mile,
What it takes to make you smile,
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby.

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know,
Tell me, tell me, tell me,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know,
Tell me, tell me, tell me,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know.

How many inches in a mile,
What it takes to make you smile,
Getcha not to treat me like a child, baby.

Tell me, tell me, tell me,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know,
something I don’t know!

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me) But all the vacancy the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose) Just stuck/ hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I’ll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

-

Dalam suatu kondisi, suatu momentum – gw berfikir tentang perjuangan seseorang, mungkin berlaku buat gw juga.. ketika gw brusaha keras mewujudkan sesuatu tapi gagal, bahkan gw malah jatuh dan mengalami luka serius. Semuanya brasa mentah nggak ada harganya.  Saat itulah gw ternyata telah berada di tempat dan track yang nggak bener.

Pastinya setelah itu kl kehidupan masih memanggil, usaha untuk hidup dengan bener – untuk memperbaiki semuanya, adalah motivasi. Dan saat itu mulailah dengan rangkak pertama, trus jongkok hingga jalan, lalu lari.. Bukan untuk melarikan diri dari masalah, tapi untuk menguatkan diri supaya bisa natap masalah itu lagi dan nggak kejebak di lubang yang sama..

Dalam urutan perjuangan ini, seseorang dan gw juga pastinya brusaha untuk mencari tempat yang tepat dan bener buat ngelanjutin hidup..

Entah gimana, tapi gw ngerasa menemukan tempat itu. Gw sendiri blum tau apakah tempat itu bener2 nerima gw, hanya ada kenyamanan lebih yang gw rasa ketika gw kesana. Gw merasakan cinta. (tolong artikan cinta dengan universal).. Harapan gw nggak muluk, nggak usah jauh berharap jadi penghuni, jadi tamu yang disambut baik kedatangannya aja dah besar artinya.

I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long…

Dan tempat itu menyembuhkan..

I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

-

Ps : i love all my doctors..

Now do ya hear me
I’m talking to you
Across the water
Across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my..
Oh baby I try

Oh boy I hear, in my dreams
I hear your whisper, across the sea
I keep you with me, in my heart
You make it easier, when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Oh, oh, oooh..

You don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you
I promised you, I will… oh

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home some day

And so I’m sailing, through the sea
To an island, where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music, fill the air
I put a flower in you hair

And though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty, you’re all I see
Let the world keep spinning round
You hold me right here, right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home some day

Oh, oh, oooh..

Oh, oh, oooh..

Old Friend

(Dimas Ario – Ballads Of The Cliche)

I’m searching for myself

And trying to be strong

Under the dark of night

I’m sitting here alone

And no one can see me

Cause I don’t want to be seen

And the loneliness has come

As an old friend

Oh my beloved friend

Don’t you ever come again

You make me feel so blue

And I don’t know what to do

Like drizzle before the rain

Fell at the right time

The time keeps holding me

I just want to go home right now

I get up with strength

But it seems never enough

I’m trying so hard

And I forgot about the heart….

from King Diego at Luthfi Palace

Perasaan gw malem ini sama kaya apa yang ada di dalem lagu itu..

Gw akuin, gw sedang capek menutup semua realita.. Dan kelemahan utama gw “LARI” masih mendominasi sifat gw..

“PAYAH LO CHA!!PAYAH!!”

ya, gw akuin gw payah, makanya gw mau minta maaf atas perasaan gw ini.. Gw menyerah… Seberapa kencengpun gw lari, seberapa hebatpun gw sembuyi, gw pasti akan tetep ketauan..

Apa gw akan bersembunyi lagi?

*tears*

-

-

-

ps : thanks to diego for the photo – taken from his office, jakarta’s sunset.. so beautiful

Hari ini gw pulang teng-go. Yippie berat! iyalah, secara seminggu kemaren hampir tiap hari gw melembur.. Di dalem mobil gw kengantukan super tiada tara trus suasana maghribnya super melankolis gara2 ujan, dan banyak lampu dari mobil-mobil n gedung-gedung sekitar krn dah mulay gelap langitnya, macet pula di SimpruGh.. Tante gw muter Gen fm dan ternyata 2 lagu yang diputer berturut-turutnya kok kebetulan lagu yang terus teriyang-iyang di kepala gw 2 hari ini..

Judulnya sama yang nyanyi beda, genre musiknya juga beda. Yang satu solo female, yang satu group. Dan 22-nya gw suka banget..

well, sgitu aja prolognya.. nggak nyambung yah? padahal gw cm mau pasang lirik 2 lagu itu..

dedicated buat ‘Dia-Dia’ yang ada di otak gw sekarang (promoners dream team termasuk)..

-

- DIA (Maliq & D’Essentials)-

Temukan apa arti dibalik cerita
Hati ini terasa berbunga-bunga
Membuat seakan aku melayang
Terbuai asmara

Adakah satu arti dibalik tatapan
Tersipu malu akan sebuah senyuman
Membuat suasana menjadi nyata
Begitu indahnya

Reff:
Dia seperti apa yang selalu ku nantikan aku inginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan kusempurna

Tanpa buah kata kau curi hatiku
Dia tunjukkan dengan tulus cintanya
Terasa berbeda saat bersamanya
Aku jatuh cinta

Back to Reff:2x

Dia bukakan pintu hatiku yang lama tak bisa kupercayakan cinta
Hingga dia disini memberi cintaku harapan

Back to Reff:

dia seperti apa yang ku nantikan aku inginkan
dia melhatku apa adanya seakan kusempurna

Give me your love 2x
Now so come on and love me2x
Give me your love 2x
Now so come on and love me 2x

Nothing in this world could come baby love to me
I would tell the world when you give your love to me

Give me your love 2x
Now so come on and love me2x
Give me your love 2x
Now so come on and love me 2x

-

-Dia (Reza)-

Kata demi kata, terjalin dengan indah
untuk menguraikan, maksud hati
Kuberanikan diri, untuk memulainya
tapi mengapa bibirku
tak dapat bergerak, terasa berat
Oh malunya hati ini
bila ku ingat saat itu
kami hanya saling memandang
dan terdiam terpaku
Oh bulan hanya dirimu
yang menyaksikan segalanya
Oh bulan tolonglah daku
katakanlah padanya
kucinta dia…
Kuberanikan diri
untuk memulainya
tapi mengapa bibirku terasa berat
Malampun kian berlalu
kami saling terpaku
diam seribu bahasa
hilang semua kata
yang terangkaikan

“Hyper Ballad”

we live on a mountain
right at the top
there’s a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning i walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like:
car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever i find lying around

it’s become a habit
a way
to start the day

i go through this
before you wake me up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you

it’s real early morning
no-one is awake
i’m back at my cliff
still throwing things off
i listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
i follow with my eyes ’til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks

and when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?

i’ll go through all this
before you wake me up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you

*a soundtrack for my dream last night… smg g salah ketik

HEIDI

First time I saw you, you were walked in the park

You were just an ordinary girl and I didn’t notice you at all

Through times, then I see a difference in you

We’re getting closer every day and I really felt that the love was true

One day when the sun rises again

Would you come here and see me someday

To smile for you is my delight

My heart pumping so hard to meet you really

You whom I will regret in life if I don’t get you Heidi

Just want to let you know, I will wait for the entire of my life

Thursday morning you told me that we will never be apart

Cause the next day you will go away, to another country, far away

And then I realize that you will never back again

Since that all my life seems so blue, but inside my heart, i will always you

(hope the text’s correct)

–

a song from ballad of the cliche, which is helping me so much to ‘move on’..

Thanks to the cute guitarist whom always make me feel better and better and probably more than better..

* let’s break the rules again someday

hm..

banyak amat yang nanya apa maksud lagunya dewi lestari ‘malaikat juga tahu’

well,

nggak banyak yang bisa gw critain juga, tapi makna terdalam dari lagu itu menurut gw juga ada di lagunya yovie and the nuno ‘menjaga hati’

Lyrics Menjaga Hati

YOVIE & NUNO

INI GILA…

sangat GILA, sampe setiap denger gw harus tahan ni air mata supaya nggak sampe keluar..

INI GILA

bener-bener GILA..

I really love this song…

THX for Dewi Lestari dan Malaikat nya yang Juga Tahu…

i’ll share it with  you guys..

Lirik Lagu Dewi Lestari – Malaikat Juga Tahu